


No Wonder You Have Demons

by maschinenmensch



Series: i'll take you out and up in light [7]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: At least there's a little smut?, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Poor Holtzy Part 452, mentions of child abuse, this is kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:55:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8593366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: On a day in September, Holtzmann needs Erin more than ever. If only she'll let Erin in. If only she'll let it all go.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this fic sitting half-finished for about a month now, having been occupied with well, other things. I thought it was time to return to it. It's a got a lot of sadness and some angst with a touch of fluff and some smut. So I bit of everything I guess? I hope it doesn't disappoint.

“Hey Erin, can I ask you something?”

Erin and Holtzmann were laying in bed, a light sheet covering their naked bodies. It was an unusually warm night for mid-September, so the windows in Erin’s bedroom were open, the curtains blowing inward. Erin had her head resting on Holtz’s chest, her arm gripping the engineer’s middle. Holtzmann’s left arm was wrapped around the physicist's shoulder, her hand rubbing soft circles into her back.

“Sure Holtzy? What is it?”

“Do you ever -” Holtzmann swallowed. “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if one past event never happened? Like how different would your life be if one thing changed?”

Erin lifted her head up so she could meet Holtz’s eyes. “I don’t know. That’s a pretty deep question to ask after 10 o’clock on a school night.”

Holtzmann smirked. “Well, sometimes my mind wanders a bit when I go down on you and-”

“HOLTZ!” Erin smacked her lightly on one of her breasts.

“I’m kidding, geez! Leave the girls alone will ya?”

“Sorry.” Erin scooted up a bit so she could give Holtzmann a soft kiss.

Holtz let out a sigh. “Seriously though. Have you ever thought about it?”

Erin shrugged. “Sure, I guess. I mean I’ve always wondered what would’ve happened if my neighbor’s ghost never appeared to me. But I always figured things happen for a reason. And even though that time in my life was terrible, for better or worse it made me into the person I am today.” She stroked Holtzmann’s cheek lightly. “Why are you asking?”

The engineer stared blankly ahead. “I dunno. Weird things pop into my head sometimes. I was just curious.”

“Are you ok Holtzy?”

Holtzmann turned and smiled at Erin wanly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired I guess.”

“Well we’d better get some sleep then, eh?”

Holtzmann crooked her neck to kiss Erin deeply. When they parted, the two women were breathing heavily.

“I love you Erin.” Holtzmann’s voice wavered slightly.

“Love you too Holtz.”

Erin laid awake on Holtzmann’s chest long after the engineer started snoring quietly.

_Something’s off._

She knew Holtzmann still had issues communicating her feelings, although she was getting much better at it. She could feel that Holtz was troubled about something. But she had learned that pressing her on it would only make her clam up. She would be patient and hope Holtzmann would let her in.

_I hope it’s nothing serious._

\---

“This stuff tastes like shit.”

Holtzmann had spent the entire ride back to the firehouse attempting to get the taste of ectoplasm out of her mouth. She had been slimed by a class 4 apparition while activating the trap in which to capture it. Erin tried hard not to smile, as it was rare that they came back from a job and she was not the one covered in goop.

“Maybe Pringles will help,” Abby said jokingly as she walked by to hang her proton pack on the wall.

“Ugh, I dare not sully the taste of those salty parabolas with this crap.”

Erin carefully placed a hand on a portion of Holtz’s shoulder that was not completely covered in slime. “Come on, Holtzy. Let’s get you in the shower to clean up. I can help you wash your back.”

Patty cleared her throat loudly. “Y’all don’t have to announce the fact you’re going to have sex in the bathroom again. We’d rather not know to be honest.”

Erin turned. “Patty, I never said we were going to -”

“No, that’s ok EG,” Holtzmann interrupted. “I can do it myself. Thanks for the offer though.”

Holtzmann sounded tired. She gave Erin a light peck on the lips and trudged up the stairs.

Abby and Patty shared a glance. Erin stood and watched as Holtzmann walked up the stairs and didn’t move until she heard the bathroom door close.

_Yeah, something is definitely off._

\---

Erin watched as her girlfriend scribbled in one of the many notebooks she had littered around her lab.

The rest of the day had gone by slowly. Holtz was still much quieter than usual, choosing to work alone at her lab table. Erin had spent the afternoon at her desk upstairs in case Holtzmann had needed someone to talk to. But the engineer had been thoroughly invested in whatever project she was working on. Or at least was doing a good job pretending.

“Ladies, I’m headed out for the evening.”

“Bye Patty.” Holtzmann never took her eyes off the notebook she was still writing in.

Patty walked over to Erin’s desk and whispered quietly.

“Hey, I don’t know what’s up with Holtzy, but try talking to her ok? I know it’s hard because she’s...well Holtz, but she’s acting funny. I’m a little worried.”

Erin glanced over Patty’s shoulder. Holtzmann was absently twirling her pencil between her fingertips.

She sighed. “I’ll do my best Patty. Maybe I can get her to talk.”

Patty squeezed her shoulder. “Good luck. See you in the morning baby.”

When Erin heard the front door close, she slowly approached Holtzmann. She lightly touched her arm, causing Holtz to flinch.

“Woah Holtzy! It’s just me.”

“Oh, sorry. My mind was wandering I guess.” Holtzmann closed the notebook she had been writing in but not before Erin had seen a glimpse of the pages covered in doodles and odd scribbles.

_She hasn’t been working on anything - just puttering around. What is going on?_

Erin wrapped one of her arms around Holtzmann’s shoulders.

“Holtz, be level with me. What’s the matter?”

Holtzmann sighed. “Nothing. I’m just really tired.” She stared blankly into space.

_She fell asleep in like two seconds last night and I could barely get her out of bed this morning. She’s bullshitting me._

Erin gently grabbed Holtz’s chin and lifted it so she’d look her in the eyes.

“Jillian. If something’s bothering you, you can tell me. You can talk to me about anything you know. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Erin - it’s ok. It’s nothing. Really.” Holtzmann attempted a smile. It came out more as a grimace.

Erin sighed. “All right Holtz. But if you need to talk…”

“I know babe.” Holtzmann placed a light kiss on the physicist’s lips.

Erin pulled Holtz into a hug and kissed the top of her head. For a few moments they stayed there, Holtzmann sitting on a stool with her head on Erin’s shoulder, her arms wrapped around her girlfriend’s waist.

“Listen sweetheart, it’s been a long day so I’m going to head home. Coming with me?” Erin’s voice was slightly muffled as her head was resting amidst a mess of Holtzmann’s curls.

Holtz pulled back, not looking into Erin’s eyes. “No, I need to finish up a few things. Catch up with you later?”

“Holtzmann.” Erin’s voice was stern.

“I won’t be long. Promise!” Holtz grabbed one of Erin’s hands and intertwined their fingers. She stared at them intently.

“You better not be.” Erin brought her lips to Holtz’s and kissed her soundly.

“Text me when you’re on your way. Love you.” Erin breathed.

“I will. Love you too.” Holtzmann whispered against Erin’s lips.

As she left the firehouse, Erin let escape a shaky breath.

_Please be ok Holtz. I can’t stand to see you like this._

\---

_Holtzmann (10:51 pm): Hey babe._

_Erin (10:51 pm): Holtz, it’s late. Are you coming by soon?_

_Holtzmann (10:52 pm): I’ve had a breakthrough. I may be awhile yet. Don’t wait up for me._

                                 _Erin (10:52 pm): All right. If it’s after midnight just stay there. I don’t want you wandering the streets this late._

_Holtzmann (10:52 pm): OK mom._

_Erin (10:53 pm): I’m serious. Don’t be an ass._

_Holtzmann (10:53 pm): I’m sorry._

_Erin: (10:53 pm): It’s ok Holtzy. Just be careful all right?_

_Holtzmann: (10:54 pm): I will. Love you EG._

_Erin: (10:54): Love you too._

Erin sighed and put the phone back on her nightstand. She turned the lamp next to her bed off and stared blankly at the ceiling.

_She’s avoiding me now. This is breaking my heart._

\---

Erin blearily walked into the firehouse the following morning, tired from not only the lack of sleep, but also the crushing weight of worry she had for Holtzmann’s current mental state.

_I’m going to sit her down today and make her talk. I don’t care if she gets pissed at me._

“Hey Patty,” Erin greeted her co-worker as she headed toward the coffeepot in the kitchen. “Is Holtzy up yet?”

“Uh baby, Holtzmann isn’t here. I assumed she was with you.”

Erin froze.

“Are you sure Patty? She texted me last night - she was working and I told her just to stay here because it was late. Did you check all the rooms? You know sometimes she just cocoons somewhere and sleeps.”

Erin was panicking. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that seemed to be spreading throughout her entire body.

“Erin - “ Patty stood up and lightly gripped the physicist’s shoulders, trying to implore her friend to look at her.

“Oh god, she’s been so off the last couple of days,” Erin’s words were now rushed, her voice increasingly raising in volume. “What if something’s really wrong that I missed? She wouldn’t tell me, I’m such an idiot. What if she’s hurt somewhere?”

“Erin.”

“We need to call the police. We need to find her. Oh Jesus, I can’t lose her. I can’t -”

“Erin Gilbert!”

Both Patty and Erin snapped their heads around to see Abby standing in the doorway that led to the kitchen.

“Abby -”

“I know where she is Erin. Come here.”

The physicist practically bowled over Abby.

“Tell me Abs. Is she ok? I need -”

Abby grabbed her hand and led her to one of the chairs in the kitchen.

“Erin. Sit and calm down.” She filled a mug with coffee and placed it in front of wringing hands. “You’re not going to be any help to Holtz today in this state.”

After she took as big a sip of coffee that the temperature allowed, Erin looked up at Abby who was still standing next to her, a look of concern on her face.

“Abby please. Tell me where she is.”

“She’s at St. Peter’s Cemetery in Queens.”

“Wait - what?”

Abby sighed and pulled out a chair next to Erin.

“Today’s the anniversary of her mother’s death. I found out by accident a few years ago when we worked at Higgins. She pulled the same thing - didn’t show up to work, didn’t call. I was in a near panic when she showed up at my apartment later that day drunk as a skunk and crying. Apparently she spent the entire day at her mother’s grave drinking. Ever since then I’ve just given her space on this day.” Abby reached over and grabbed one of Erin’s hands that had been resting on the table. “I’m sorry, I thought she would have told you.”

Erin felt a single tear run down her cheek. “She didn’t Abby. I think she wanted to tell me. But - “

“Don’t take it personally. We all know Holtzy - talking about feelings has never been her strong suit.”

_I wish you would’ve just told me Holtz. I wish…_

“Now come on Gilbert. Finish your coffee and hop in a cab to see your woman.”

Erin looked over at Abby who her gave her a sad smile.

“She needs you today Erin. More than ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I'm always so mean to poor Holtzy. Sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a little longer to spill out of my half-empty brain than I expected. Fair warning - there are mentions of child abuse in the first half of this fic. The second half of this fic is pretty much all smut, though I tried to write it a little differently this time. At least I tried to *shrug*

Erin stood and watched the head of blonde curls poking above several rows of headstones. Holtzmann hadn’t moved in the half hour that Erin stood and watched her except for the occasional sip from a can of what the physicist presumed was beer.

“You gonna just watch me Gilbert, or do you want to join me for an adult beverage in honor of my dearly departed mother?"

Holtzmann’s voice was slightly slurred, her eyes puffy as she turned around to look at her girlfriend.

Erin slowly approached her. “How’d you know it was me Holtzmann?”

Holtz took a final pull out of the can of beer in her hand and crushed it, tossing it in a pile along with three other empties.

“I could smell your perfume. Besides, I figured Abby would tell you where I was.” She frowned. “I freaked you out, didn’t I?”

Erin sat down next to Holtz and took both her hands in her own.

“A little. I was just so worried about you Holtzy.”

The engineer looked down at their entwined fingers. Her voice was soft.

“I’m sorry baby. I wanted to tell you. I just - It’s so hard for me.”

Erin gently pulled Holtzmann to her and enveloped her in a hug, slowly rocking their bodies as she felt arms wrap around her neck. She could feel Holtz’s breath tickling her ear as it came out in uneven, shuddering puffs. Erin glanced over her girlfriend’s shoulder at the small, nondescript headstone that was nestled in the ground in front of them.

_Judith Holtzmann_

_1960 - 1988_

Holtzmann pulled back from Erin’s embrace, swiping at a stray tear that had fallen down one of her cheeks with the heel of her hand. She turned to rummage in the colorful backpack she had sitting beside her.

“Here…”

Holtz tossed Erin a can of beer into her girlfriend’s lap before digging one out for herself.

“Last two. I only got a six-pack this year. I’m committed to healthy living now or something. Prost!”

The engineer cracked open the tab of her beer, raising it and waited for Erin to do the same. After they clinked cans, Holtzmann threw her head back, consuming half the can in several large gulps. Erin tried not to grimace after taking a small sip, not fond of having adult beverages so early with it not even being noon yet.

Holtzmann slammed her beer down on the ground, splashing the grass with white foam. She stared straight ahead, eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

“This is so fucking stupid.”

“Holtzy. Talk to me.”

The engineer’s voice was flat, the words rushed together. This was Jillian Holtzmann expressing her feelings. Erin knew it nearly felt like death to her.

“I wonder sometimes what would’ve happened had she not died. If she had not been an addict or at least not done that hit of coke in the restaurant bathroom that killed her. Would I be different? Would my childhood have been better? Worse? I don’t fucking know…”

Erin reached out to rub Holtz’s shoulder. “You can’t keep thinking about the ‘what ifs’ Holtz. It’ll drive you nuts. Besides, I love the person you are now.”

The engineer’s lips crooked upward in a faint smile. It was quickly replaced by a expression of both anger and pure terror.

“I sit here and mourn her like I even knew who she was. I didn’t. And pretty much every single fleeting memory I have of her is absolute shit.”

Holtzmann rolled up the sleeve of her cardigan on her left arm and pointed at a faint, yet deep scar on the inside of her arm, halfway between her wrist and elbow.

“Here. You know what this is from?”

Erin lightly traced the scar with her fingers - causing Holtz to involuntarily shiver.

“Tell me Holtzy. If you want to.”

Her girlfriend took a deep breath and released it. Her voice was as shaky as Erin had ever heard it.

“It was just a couple months before she died. My mom was home, it was probably her day off, maybe she was in-between jobs? I was four, I don’t know. She was parked in front of the TV, watching soaps, most likely on her fourth or fifth drink of the day. I was bored, because it was like I wasn’t even there. At least not to her.”

Erin brought her other hand up to Holtzmann’s cheek and stroked it comfortingly.

“I had grabbed a blanket from my bed and tied it to myself like a cape. I was pretending I was Superman. I was running from room to room in that shit apartment, saving the world. And when I ran into the living room I hit the side of the coffee table with my foot and my mom’s gin and tonic spilled.”

Holtzmann closed her eyes. When she opened them the tears began to fall down her cheeks.

“She grabbed me. I don’t remember what she yelled at me, only that she was mad. And then she - she put her cigarette out on my arm.”

Erin gasped. She couldn’t even imagine a small, innocent Holtzmann in such pain.

_No child deserves this. But especially not her. Not my Holtzy…_

“It hurt so bad. I wouldn’t cry though. I wouldn’t give her the fucking satisfaction. I ran to my room and slammed the door and wished she was dead. I hated her so much Erin.”

“Oh Jillian…”

The engineer was openly weeping. “I shouldn’t feel guilty for thinking that but I do. Goddammit Erin, I do. And still, to this day, even though she was a pretty awful mother, I ask myself…”

Holtzmann tilted her head up to the sky.

“Do you think...do you think she’d be proud of me Erin?”

Erin felt her own tears spilling. “Holtzy. Oh god, don’t -”

Holtzmann doubled over, her body racked by heaving, loud sobs. Erin held her as best she could, stroking her back and whispering comforting words in her ear.

“It’s ok Jillian. Let it all out. I love you. I love you so much.”

_She has so much pain bottled up inside. I can’t let it break her._

Erin held Holtzmann until her tears slowly began to subside, replaced by hiccups and sniffles. Holtz gradually lifted her head off her girlfriend’s shoulder, eyes affixed to the ground below her.

“Sorry.” The engineer’s voice was small and pained.

“Holtzmann.” Erin lifted up her chin with one hand so they could look into one another’s eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for. Not a thing. Your feelings are important and valid. I know you don’t believe that. But listen to me when I tell you they are. Especially to me.”

Holtz’s blue eyes bore into Erin’s dark ones. She leaned forward and captured the physicist’s lips with her own, tangling her fingers in auburn hair. The kiss was so intense it took Erin’s breath away. It was as if Holtzmann was telling her how much she loved her in this single act.

They pulled away, foreheads pressed together, breaths heavy. Holtzmann still had her eyes closed when she murmured against Erin’s lips.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you EG. But I’m thankful every second of every day. I love you more than tacos.”

Erin couldn’t help but bust out laughing.

_Only Holtzy could come up with a one-liner during the tenderest of moments._

“Whaaaaaaa?” Holtzmann’s eyes opened up in mock-indignation.

“You are adorkable. And I love you too.” She booped Holtz lightly on the nose, drawing a genuine smile from the engineer.

Erin stood up and offered Holtzmann her hand.

“C’mon - let’s clean up your detritus and head back to my place. We can watch awful movies all day while snuggling on the couch. I’ll even let you have the remote.”

Holtz allowed herself to be pulled up and began shoving her empties in her backpack. She grabbed Erin’s hand as they exited the cemetery.

“Can we order a pizza with pineapple on it for dinner?”

“Sure Holtzy. As long as you don’t make me eat any.”

\---

Erin grabbed the plate out of Holtzmann’s hand and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before getting off the couch. She gathered the leftover pizza (she had finally been willing to try black olives on her half, but still eschewed the pineapple), and placed it on the counter in the kitchen. She looked at her girlfriend sprawled on her half of the couch, hair a disaster, overall pants rolled up to her knees. She was watching the television intently, having chosen a trashy reality series about people who claimed they were abducted by aliens.

“I wonder what that’s like,” Holtz said absently, chewing on the straw from her soda cup.

“What - being abducted?” Erin settled back down on the couch and squeezed the engineer’s knee.

“Yeah. I bet it’s...interesting.”

“Not as interesting as you.”

Holtzmann peered over her glasses at her girlfriend. “Cheeseball.”

“Turn off the TV Holtzy.”

“C’mon EG, I want to see if this dude got an anal probe or not.”

“Holtzmann - “ Erin raised an eyebrow.

“Uh-oh. The eyebrow raise. This is some serious biz-ness.”

Holtz grabbed the remote off the arm of the couch and pointed it at the TV. After it clicked off, Erin immediately grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back on the couch. Holtzmann audibly gulped as her girlfriend straddled her hips and bent forward, their faces inches apart.

“Erin -”

“Shhhh…” the physicist placed a finger against Holtz’s lips. After a moment she replaced it with her mouth, running her fingers through blonde hair as she did so.

Holtzmann growled against Erin’s lips and brought her knee up between her girlfriend’s legs. In response, Erin immediately pulled back.

“No.”

“No? Erin - what do you mean no? I want -”

“I mean I’m not going to let you take control here. I want to make this all about you. I need to.”

Holtzmann was almost always the one who took the lead in their lovemaking - she relished it. Erin remembered a night early on in their relationship, totally spent on her bed, Holtz stroking her cheek. She wanted so badly to reciprocate, but Holtz shrugged it off - _seeing you come baby is more than enough for me._ And so it went most nights, Holtzmann taking her to heights never experienced before, holding her afterward as they both drifted off. On the occasion that Erin was able to return the favor, it wasn’t uncommon that although Holtzmann would enjoy herself, she’d wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm. Erin would feel awful but Holtz would kiss her and tell her it wasn’t her fault, she was just difficult and screwed up.

_I need her to feel tonight. I need her to feel how beautiful she is. How loved she is._

Holtzmann’s blue eyes were almost fearful as the physicist leaned back down and kissed her, her tongue gaining entrance to Holtz’s mouth. She tasted of pineapple and black olives and smelled slightly of the cheap beer the engineer had downed hours earlier.

Erin trailed her lips down Holtzmann’s chin and moved to her ear, whispering huskily as she nibbled on her earlobe.

“I want to make you feel so good tonight. Will you let me do that sweetheart?”

Erin sucked on the place where Holtzmann’s neck met her shoulder.

“Ye-es. Oh god, Erin.”

Holtzmann tangled her hands in auburn hair as Erin made a mark on the engineer’s skin. She pulled back and placed a relatively chaste kiss on Holtz’s lips.

“Bedroom?”

“Um, yes please.”

Erin tried not to smile at the nearly-shy woman that was her girlfriend at the moment. She pulled Holtz by the hand gently off the couch and led her to the bedroom, looking back at bright eyes and flushed cheeks. Holtzmann almost looked nervous, unaccustomed to being the center of attention in this way.

“Lay down Holtzy,” Erin urged. The physicist watched as Holtzmann placed her glasses on the nightstand and plopped on the bed, folding her hands behind her head.

“Uh, what are you looking at EG?”

“You. You’re beautiful.”

Holtzmann turned her head and blushed slightly. “Erin, c’mon don’t try to flatter me -”

Erin crawled on the bed, again straddling her girlfriend. She tenderly reached out and grabbed one of Holtzmann’s cheeks, turning it so she could look into her eyes. She leaned down and pressed her forehead against Holtz’s.

“You. Are. Beautiful.” Erin whispered between kisses, stroking her girlfriend’s face as she did so. Holtzmann whimpered.

Erin quickly made work of the straps on Holtzmann’s overalls, pulling them down as she continued to kiss her. She grabbed the bottom of the engineer’s t-shirt and pulled it up, briefly breaking contact with Holtzmann as she lifted the shirt above her head and threw it across the room.

The physicist leaned back on her heels and looked at Holtz beneath her, naked from the waist up. She heard her girlfriend’s breath hitch when she slowly licked her lips.

“Erin -”

_I want to worship every inch of her body tonight._

She began to place feather-light kisses on Holtz’s collarbones, traveling slowly down in-between her breasts, eventually hovering above one of them. She lightly flicked her tongue on her nipple and then blew on it, her breath causing a low moan from Holtzmann’s throat.

“Jesus…”

Holtz threaded her fingers through Erin’s hair as she fully encapsulated Holtzmann’s nipple between her lips, sucking lightly. The physicist moved her hand to cup Holtz’s other breast, kneading it for several moments before she took the nipple in-between her index finger and thumb and tugged on it. Holtzmann arched her back, groaning as she did so. Erin knew the engineer’s breasts were extremely sensitive, so she made sure to lavish attention on both of them until she could feel Holtz’s heels digging the bed behind her, her hips jerking sporadically.

Erin slowly began kissing down Holtzmann’s stomach, calloused hands still wrapped in her hair. When the physicist reached the top of Holtz’s overall bottoms, she threaded her fingers through its belt loops.

“Lift up your hips,” Erin said softly. Holtz obliged, a soft whimper escaping from her lips. Erin pulled the overalls off deliberately, depositing them at the foot of the bed once they were completely off Holtzmann’s body. She glanced down at her girlfriend, now only clad in a pair of plaid boxer shorts and argyle socks. Erin cupped her through her boxers, not surprised to find them nearly soaked through.

“Oh baby. Please -”

Erin hooked her fingers in the waistband of her girlfriend’s shorts.

“What do you want me to do Jillian? Tell me how I can make you feel good.”

She could see the beads of sweat breaking out on Holtzmann’s forehead, her eyes half opened. The engineer bit down on her lip before murmuring so quietly Erin could barely it.

“I need your mouth on me babe. Please.”

Erin didn’t break eye contact with her girlfriend as she slid the boxers off of her. She began to kiss languidly up Holtzmann’s legs, paying extra attention to the assorted scars that marked her. When she reached the inside of Holtz’s thighs, the engineer once again immersed her hands in Erin’s hair, her breathing becoming heavier the closer Erin got to where she needed it most.

“Eager aren’t we? You’re so wet Jillian.”

Erin’s lips were mere inches from Holtz’s clit, her breath causing Holtzmann to involuntarily jolt her hips forward.

“Oh god Erin, I want - “

The physicist placed her tongue flat against Holtzmann’s entrance and slowly trailed it upward, culminating in Erin taking her clit in her mouth and sucking on it steadily. In response Holtz tugged on Erin’s hair more harshly, a breathy sigh escaping her lips.

For as loud and boisterous Holtzmann was in her outward appearance in addition to her being filthily outspoken when in control during sex, Erin found the engineer almost endearingly passive when on the receiving end. As Erin continued to slowly make Holtz come undone with her mouth, the only verbal responses she could hear above her were quiet mewing sounds interspersed with the occasional outburst of a swear word.

Erin tilted her eyes upward only to meet heavily-lidded blue ones. Holtzmann’s mouth was partially opened, her nostrils flaring. The physicist slowly positioned her index finger at Holtz’s entrance - she knew her girlfriend didn’t particularly care for penetration, but sought permission to proceed with her eyes. When Holtzmann nodded shakily, Erin slowly pushed her finger forward, until it was all the way inside of her.

“Fuck, Erin. Oh Jesus…”

Holtzmann began slowly rocking her hips in time with Erin’s finger, while Erin continued to suck on the engineer’s clit. When she felt Holtz’s breathing become heavier and her thrusts more erratic, she removed her mouth and made her way up her girlfriend’s body, continuing to move her finger inside of her while lightly flicking Holtz’s clit with her thumb.

“Erin…” Holtzmann whined, opening her eyes to meet the ones hovering above her. Erin stroked Holtz’s cheek tenderly as she moved her mouth close to her ear.

“I want to see your beautiful face when you come. Let go Jillian. You deserve all of this - I love you so much.”

Holtzmann squeezed her eyes so hard tears leaked out of their corners. She arched her back off the bed and opened her mouth in a silent scream. Erin could feel Holtz’s walls clench around her finger as she orgasmed, a long drawn-out sob escaping from the engineer’s lips.

“I’ve got you honey, I’ve got you.”

As Holtzmann slowly came down, her body became limp. Erin gradually removed her finger from inside her and wrapped Holtz in her arms, rocking her gently as she continued to whimper. Erin felt wetness on her shoulder and realized her girlfriend was quietly sobbing.

“Jillian - it’s ok. I’m right here.”

“EG -” watery blue eyes met Erin’s own. “I love you. So - so much.”

Erin leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Holtzmann’s lips.

“I love you too sweetheart. Never forget that.”

The physicist continued to rock Holtz in her arms until she heard the sounds of light snoring. She gently brushed blonde curls off Holtzmann’s sweaty brow and carefully untangled herself from her body. Erin quietly removed her clothes, throwing on one of Holtzmann’s old oversized t-shirts as a nightgown. After turning off the lights, Erin threw the covers over their bodies and again pulled Holtzmann to herself.

As she drifted off to sleep, she quietly whispered into Holtzmann’s ear.

“I am so proud of you Holtzy. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I really try not to write stories that are consistently mean to poor Holtzy, but more often than not it seems to come out that way. Apologies, I don't really like it either.
> 
> Anyway, you can say hi to me on tumblr - @geekmisconduct. I'm usually that one annoying dork on there.


End file.
